


Caged Bird

by drivingsideways



Series: A Pair of Swallows [8]
Category: Serenade of Peaceful Joy (TV), 孤城闭 | Held in the Lonely Castle (TV)
Genre: Fuck the Canon, Gen, I cannot stress this enough, spoilers upto episode 62
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24218167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drivingsideways/pseuds/drivingsideways
Summary: But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreamshis shadow shouts on a nightmare screamhis wings are clipped and his feet are tiedso he opens his throat to sing.- Maya Angelou/ "Caged Bird"
Relationships: Cao Danshu & Huirou
Series: A Pair of Swallows [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726612
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	Caged Bird

**Author's Note:**

> So, at this point I've decided that canon isn't even going to be a SUGGESTION in this verse, going forward. I'm not sure I will actually even watch all the remaining episodes (62-69). Pretty sure that whatever is coming up is going to be aneurysm inducing crap, so instead of waiting for it to hit me, I'm pre-emptively writing the canon divergence.  
> I guess, there will be one or perhaps two more installments in this series, before I wrap it up for our darlings.

Huirou is staring out of the window into the night when she comes in.

She’d asked Jiaqinzi not to announce her, so she takes a moment to watch her daughter.

She’s leaning against the window frame, shoulders slumped, staring up at the stars.

Danshu can guess the thoughts that must be running through her head in circles, the despair like a net closing in every so tightly, until breathing becomes difficult.

It makes what she is here to do even more difficult.

Huirou doesn’t notice her presence until she’s standing right next to her.

“Niangniang” she startles, turning to her.

Her face is a mask of misery.

“Huirou” she says gently, “My dear one…”

Huirou’s face crumples.

“Don’t” she says, “Don’t call me that. You are here on die-die’s behalf, _I know_ ”.

“Guanjia did ask me to speak to you” she says, and when Huirou makes an angry sound, raises a hand to stop her. “But I doubt that what I’m going to say to you is what he’s expecting me to”.

Huirou says, confused, “What do you mean?”

When Danshu doesn’t reply immediately, she says, her voice gone breathless with hope- “Will you support me then?”

It pierces Danshu’s heart like the sharpest of blades.

“I _am_ here to support you” she says, quietly, “But I am also here to tell you that you have to go back to Li Wei”.

Huirou’s face collapses once more, and she stumbles away from Danshu.

“How can you say that?” she shouts, “How can you say that and still call me your daughter? How can you say you love me when you want me to go back into that hell?!”

There are tears streaming down her face.

“Huirou” says Danshu, reaching out to her.

Huirou steps back further, raising an accusing finger at her.

“You!” she says, “You don’t understand! You preach honour and virtue to me, but you don’t understand what it is to be violated like this! To have something precious taken without your consent! You will _never…”_

“I understand” Danshu says quietly. “Huirou, I know exactly what it feels like”.

Huirou stares at her, her mouth still half open over the words she was going to say.

Danshu says nothing further.

Some part of her had hoped to get through this conversation without _this_.

It was not that she cared for _him,_ it was what the knowledge would do to _Huirou_.

“Wha-what?” whispers Huirou. “I don’t understand…what do you mean?”

Danshu watches the horror of it creep over her face as she stays silent.

“No” whispers Huirou, “ _No!_ It can’t be- _die-die_ can’t be- he _isn’t_ like that monster—he _isn’t—”_

Danshu says softly. “They aren’t monsters. They’re just men”.

“But- but you _love_ him” says Huirou, pleading, still unable to wrap her mind around it.

Danshu nods.

“Yes” she says, “I _loved_ him for a very long time. I _respected_ him for a very long time. But he did not think me worthy of love or respect. For the first, I have forgiven him, but the second- the second, I _cannot_ ”.

Huirou sways on her feet.

“Huirou!” Danshu exclaims and catches her before she can fall.

“Here” she says, drawing her to the bed, “Sit down, dearest”.

Huirou sits with her head bowed, staring at her hands, twisted tightly in her lap.

She does not look at Danshu.

The silence stretches out between them.

Danshu will not break it.

Finally Huirou says, softly, “If you know, then why do you force me?”

Danshu tries to choose her words carefully.

“Huirou” she says, placing one hand over hers, “Do you remember, when you were a child, Huaiji was accused of breaking an imperial gift and was to be punished?”

Huirou looks up at her then, startled.

“Yes” she says, “I remember”

“You were so angry” Danshu says, softly, “So angry that the world was so unjust, you just could not accept it”

She chuckles, remembering.

“Barely two feet high and you dared to contradict one of the most respected scholars in the land, and that too, in front of guanjia!”

Huirou huffs. “I still do not concede” she says, “I still do not concede it”.

“You said the Classic of Rites was wrong” Danshu continues, “You said it was a book that taught people to be selfish and cruel!”

“Am I not proved right?” Huirou says, looking away, her voice turning bitter. “Are they not using the- the _rules_ of that book to enslave me even now?”

“The rules” Danshu says, “The rules were largely written by men, _for_ men”.

Huirou turns back to her, surprised.

“Niangniang has always impressed upon me the value of the rules” she says, uncertainly. “Is niangniang now saying she was wrong?”

“There is great value in many of the sage teachings” Danshu replies, “And I strive to live by those precepts in my own life. But there is also the undeniable truth that in translating those precepts into practice, there are failures. And…” she huffs, “I don’t think many of the sages ever consulted women on what _we_ thought of the rules. Whether we thought them just, or moral. No- we are just expected to follow”.

“Then why do you force me now?” Huirou whispers, eyes filling up again. “When you know, when you understand—”

“I wanted to protect that little girl” Danshu interrupts. “I wanted to protect the fire in her, and I never wanted her to find out what happens when you don’t obey the rules. I never wanted you to find out how the world of men will grind you down, slowly, inexorably, to the finest of dust, if you let it. That’s why- that’s why- all these years- all those lectures on propriety and womanly virtues- it was to protect you. Because I knew this day would come. That some day you would have to go out from under our wings, and out there- out there, they shoot arrows to bring down birds, Huirou, and the more majestic the bird, the more gleeful they are about maiming it, capturing it. There’s something in men, something warped and distorted, that hates their freedom”.

“Niangniang” Huirou says, softly, her tears spilling over.

“Let me finish” Danshu says, bringing Huirou’s hands to her lips, and kissing the knuckles on each. “I wanted to teach you the most important lesson of all, Huirou, I wanted to teach you how to _survive_. But I failed at it”.

“But niangniang” Huirou says, her voice choked, “I don’t just want to survive, I want to _live”._

Danshu feels her eyes sting.

“Yes” she whispers, “And so you _shall_. But first, you must survive”.

She places a hand against Huirou’s cheek.

“My darling daughter” she says, “Will you let me teach you something now?”

Huirou takes a deep breath, and then another.

Then she nods.

“Your father is dying” Danshu says, and she tries to make it as gentle as possible.

Huirou still loved her father, and she probably always would, and it will be hard for her to hear this.

“The Imperial Physicians have done their best all these years, but he is very weak now, even if it doesn’t look so. They don’t expect him to survive for more than a year or two”.

“Niangniang” Huirou says, her voice breaking.

“They may be wrong, of course. But even if we add more years, the chances that he will live to see an Imperial son grow into adulthood are extremely slim. And if the Duchess of Wenxi and the Duchess of Anding do not produce heirs, then Zhao Zongshi will be your father’s heir”.

“I don’t understand” whispers Huirou, “What does this have to do with me?”

“Your father knows he’s dying” Danshu replies, “And right now his priority is to make sure that he can leave a stable court for his heir, whether that’s going to be a young son, or Zongshi. He cannot afford to act on your behalf and see the court in uproar. There is already enough resentment and rumours created. That’s why- even if he does not wish to- he will have to concede to them”.

She hesitates.

“Your life will not come before the nation and his legacy and what he sees as his duty to his ancestors, Huirou”.

It’s a hard truth to hear, and harder to bear.

Huirou doesn’t say anything for a long while.

“So I have to go back” she says, her voice dull and defeated.

“Yes” says Danshu, softly. “But I will make sure Li Wei and his mother can’t come near you again. I will make sure Huaiji is with you, every minute. That will be part of the agreement”.

Huirou looks at her, and the glimmer of hope in her eyes is the hardest to see.

“And after…” Danshu adds, “After your father is gone, and I am Empress Dowager, I _will_ make sure that you can leave that wretched place forever”.

“Niangniang” she whispers, “How will you do it?”

“Do you know what I've found, Huirou? she asks. "What is more useful in this world than promises of love or devotion?”

Huirou shakes her head. 

"It's power" Danshu says. "They teach us from childhood that the only things we must dare to dream of, and be grateful when we receive it, is the love of a good man, and through him, the love of our children. They teach us that to keep us in our cages of our own accord, while they enjoy every freedom the world has to offer."

Huirou stares at her, as though she's looking at someone she barely recognizes. 

Perhaps that's true- for Danshu had never shown her this part of herself before. 

“Huirou, this is my solemn promise to you as your mother, and as your _Empress_. One day I will right the wrongs you have suffered and must suffer. Do you trust me?”

Huirou doesn't reply for a long minute, still looking at her, as though to decipher this stranger in front of her, who wears her niangniang's face. 

“Yes” she says, finally, and her voice, though soft, is clear.

“It will be a long wait, my dear” Danshu warns, “and it will not be easy. But will you promise me one thing?”

Huirou nods.

“Treasure yourself” Danshu says, softly. “In every way”.

Huirou licks her lips, and swallows hard.

“Yes” she says, “Yes”.

Her voice is still soft, but firmer.

“I promise”.

Danshu exhales in relief.

“Then you can start now” she says, with a small smile. “I’ve had Huaiji roast _taro_ just the way you like it”.

Huirou flings herself into Danshu’s arms, winding her arms around Danshu in a fierce embrace.

Danshu holds her back, just as tight.

“It will be alright” she says, “Niangniang promises Huirou”.


End file.
